Please Try

I am an unloveable, disturbed human being.

I am delusional and detach from reality on the regular.

I am a perfectionist who will only accept the best.

I am a monster who dreams about horror and destruction

However, I want someone to try.

I want someone to call me theirs.

I want someone whose love is on par with God’s.

I want someone who will pick up the pieces and put me back together.

I want someone to love me for my insanity and instability.

Being human

This world is a strange one.

I don’t know how I fit within it.

I don’t know how I function within it.

I don’t even know what to do within it.

But I have to make it work.

I have to adjust and get through it.

It scares me at times.

I’m scared of failing,

Losing,

Getting lost,

And falling apart.

But I have to do it.

I don’t want to let go yet.

Happy Holidays

I’m not the best at giving gifts. I actually hate giving gifts and the holiday season that is surrounded by gift-giving. However, I wanted to try for you. I spent days searching the stores for a suitable gift for you, maybe even weeks. However, a gift came to mind when I saw you getting close with one of my co-workers, Ottessa. 

Ottessa was a new girl to the company I worked at. She was always running copies for the boss, taking calls for the boss and having private lunches with him. Everyone in the office suspected they were fucking each other, but no one had the bravery to ask and confirm it. Ottessa was a siren and I suspected, after having her way with the boss, she moved on to my boyfriend.

I noticed their abnormal relationship after she took it upon herself to visit me at my residence. She didn’t have an invitation and I’m still unsure how she got my address. But once she entered my home and made eye contact with my boyfriend, I knew things would go downhill from there. After that event, the two had been getting lunch together and she would even come over when I wasn’t at home. Also, My boyfriend had been less affectionate and would claim to be working ‘overtime’ at his job. 

I am definitely not stupid, but I love playing as if I am. So I let things slide and just put on a smile as I planned my gifts for the holiday season. 

The day of Christmas had arrived and I noticed my boyfriend had been feeling down lately. Ottessa has quit her job at my company and hasn’t been seen for days. Everyone at the office assumed she just ran off with some married man for the holidays and might appear again soon. 

On Christmas morning, I woke up early to make my boyfriend breakfast and served it to him in bed. He gave me a half-hearted smile and began eating.

“Would you like your gift now? I’m super excited to show you the gift I got you.” My boyfriend nodded and I ran to the living room to get his present from under the tree. The present was kind of heavy, around eleven pounds, and was very difficult to retrieve and wrap, but I had to do it for him. To show him how much I loved him. 

I placed it in his lap and he immediately began tearing at the wrapping paper. He stopped, in horror, when he realized what the present was. In a glass case, was Ottessa’s head, centered with her eyes scooped out of her eye sockets. Her eyes were placed in her opened mouth, on her dry tongue. On top of her bouncy, black curls was a note that said, Merry Christmas, Honey. He slowly looks up at me with his eyes filled with fear and his mouth open, unable to speak. 

I just wanted to give him a gift he would remember for years to come. And I think I succeeded. 

You don’t understand

You don’t understand.

You don’t understand the need to marry a powerful, demonic being.

The need to be completely vulnerable.

The need to be an evil partner.

The need to only be sweet to my partner and child.

The need to be babied and cared for.

The need to only enjoy the luxuries of life.

The need to destroy anything that comes in the way of your love.

The need to hide behind a pretty face.

Cause I do

I look at myself and ask, “am I ok?”
I look at him and plead, “don’t leave me. don’t hate me.”

My therapist is amazing, words can’t describe her.
She’s the type of parent I wish I had.
I love her more than I love my ego.

I look at myself and ask, “am I crazy?”
I look at the messages from boys that only want to fuck me and ask,
“When?”

I know I’ll be happy one day,
I hope I’ll be happy one day.
My exterior is cracking more and more everyday.
I wonder if I’m becoming the form of myself that I always idealized.

I look at the person in the mirror and ask, “What is wrong with you?”
She looks back at me and says, “I don’t want to die, don’t hurt me.”
“No, I don’t want to die.”
I don’t want to die either.

Dark Entity

During my childhood, I used to be scared of the dark.

Every child was at some point.

But I was particularly scared of a dark corner in my room.

Right between my white dresser and the pink wall across from my bed.

The darkness always confused and scared me.

Confused me because I felt like there was something there,

Scared me because I knew something was there.

From time to time, it would come out,

And stroke my dark hair while I was sleeping.

My parents reassured me that it was my grandma who passed when I was young.

But I knew it wasn’t her,

It couldn’t had been.

Now,

As an adult,

I travel through my life

Looking for the person in the shadow.

Looking for dark entities to make me feel like a child again.

Dark entities to make me feel safe and loved.

Over time,

I realized I need to become that dark entity.

The one who will love and protect me from the scary world we live in.

If I don’t love or protect myself first, who will?

Like a light switch

On – Off

On – Off

I will give you the world

I will make you want to kill me 

On – off

On – off

I never want to lose you

I hope I get to watch your painful death

On – Off

On – Off

I will give up everything for you

You are nothing, to me and to this world

Off – on 

Off – on

Why would you make me feel this way?

I love you too much to hate you.

Off – on

Off – on

I wish you never existed

I wish I had met you sooner

Off – on

Off – on

You are nothing to me

You are my all

Imposter

“Why isn’t anyone listening to me? That is not my family! That isn’t my baby! They’ve been replaced, that’s not the child I gave birth to two months ago! Ok, since you’re having a hard time understanding me, I’ll tell you my story and what’s going on all over again.”

“I married my real husband, Freddie Taylor, on May 24th, 2014; it was a nice spring wedding. The wedding was rushed, only because I was with child and didn’t want it to be born out of wedlock; my parents are religious and pretty strict about things of that sort. However, before my wedding and before I found out I was pregnant, I got into a really bad car accident, which led to brain trauma. The pregnancy was a normal one, with normal symptoms and with a normal birth. My real daughter was born on her due date, December 21st, 2014 and her name is Amethyst Taylor.”

“The first night home was when the change, the switch, occurred. When I had fallen asleep, the real Freddie was next to me and the real Amethyst was sleeping in her bassinet inches away from our bed. After being asleep, I would say for four or five hours, I awaken to a baby crying. But the crying was coming from the living room and Freddie and Amethyst weren’t in the room. In a panic, I left the comfort of my bed and creeped downstairs, into the living room to find a man cradling a baby on the living room sofa. Hearing me enter the room caused the man to turn his head to face me and shine a bright, wide-toothed smile at me that made me sick inside.”

“But here’s the thing, Doctor, that wasn’t my baby or my husband on the sofa. It looked like them, yes, but it wasn’t.”

“What do you mean it wasn’t your baby or your husband, aurora?”

 “What do I mean? What do I mean it wasn’t them, Doctor? Why are you questioning me? Just listen to me and you’ll see.”

“As I stood in the hallway, the man turned his attention back to the baby. I took this opportunity to sneak back to the safe of my bedroom. I double checked the room, the bassinet and the bed, in hopes of finding my real husband and child, hiding within the room but to no avail. I laid in bed, questioning my sanity and if I’m dreaming. I know that isn’t my husband or child. They’re imposters dressed up as my real husband and child, but they don’t know I can see through their disguises.”

“Imposters with disguises?”

“Yes! Imposters with disguises, doctor! See you’re getting it!”

“After this incident, I felt a change within myself. I can’t describe it, but I just felt…off at my home and around the imposters. However, when I’m with other people, like family, friends and coworkers, I feel normal. I started changing my clothes a lot and talking out of context, to myself and others. Whenever I was ‘tasked’ to take care of the child, the imposter, I was always uncomfortable. Why would I take care of a child that isn’t mine? That isn’t my Amethyst? What if something bad happens to her or my husband? What if the imposters hurt them? Why are you questioning me, Doctor, and not getting the police involved to question them? “

“I have to do my job during the evaluation, aurora.”

“This stress about the state of my child and husband has made me depressed. I want my real family back, my real life back. I don’t want to keep going on with my life if I have to continue to live without my real family. My mental health hasn’t been doing well, which is why I am here now, but I reassure you that I will be perfectly fine once I find the real Freddie and Amethyst.”

“Based on this evaluation, your brain trauma and the symptoms you are describing to me, I am starting to believe you are suffering from Capgras Delusion.”

“Capgras Delusion? Can you explain further, Doctor?”

“Capgras Delusion is a delusional misidentification syndrome where individuals affected believe someone close to them has been placed with an exact duplicate. Some treatment options are validation therapy and antipsychotics”

 “Is that what you people think I have? I knew you all thought I was crazy, but I’m not. I know that isn’t my family!” Therapy and antipsychotics for treatment? There’s nothing wrong with me! I’m just a regular woman whose family has been taken away from her and replaced with imposters and I’m the problem? This is insane and you’ll hear from my lawyer about this.”

Like me

And on the 12th day, the universe created girls like me

Girls who manipulate, lie and use to get their way

Girls who love to be babied by the men they take advantage of

Girls who daydream about harm, to themselves and others

Girls who will always choose violence and mischief

Girls who enjoy hurting people and watching them break into piece

Girls who hide their true selves behind an attractive face

Girls who only fear being ripped open and their unsightliness being displayed

We are not in competition

You and I.

Me and you.

We aren’t the same.

I am your competition, but you are not mine.

My tongue is sharp and I can cut you into pieces with a simple three word sentence.

My eyes can kill you with one single glance.

My hands are lethal and I could kill you with my thumb.

Any ill intentions towards me? Keep it to yourself.

You can’t go against me as I am what you can never be.

I am a leader,

I am clever,

I am intelligent,

I am stable,

I am charming, 

and I am gorgeous.

I am all,

You are nothing.

You are not me and I am and will never be you.