Category: Articles

Stuck In This Mind

In the most recent parts of my life, 

I began to realize that I am apart of this reality.

I could be sitting in class,

Sitting at my desk,

Hanging out with friends,

When I become hyper-aware.

I become aware that I have a mother, who will suffer to give me her last,

A father, who is a horrible, disappoint of a man.

I have a sick mind and I am a mess with no sense on how to change it.

I become aware that I am required to live this life,

To suffer, to love, to desire, to procreate,

And live into my 40s, 50s and 60s.

And it terrifies me.

Why me?
Why us?
Why are things the way it is?

How can I change it?
Why am I like
This?

And it is the most frightening realization.

Being Ari

To be Ari is to be soft spoken.

To be naked and admire my natural shape and curves.

To always have a necklace around my tan neck.

To smell like shea butter and lilies.

To have fresh pink roses on my desk.

To need aftercare and comfort after sex.

To own several floral and fruity perfumes.

To be love and be loved unconditionally.

To buy and read classic novels.

To speak fluent Latin.

To be hyper-feminine.

To be soft, in every way possible.

Is This Happiness?

Sometimes, 
I wonder what true happiness is.
When I am in a position when I am not actively suffering,
I take myself out of reality and reflect.

As I write this,
I am sitting in one of the dorms of a popular, well-respected university in the United States.
Eating corn chips with hummus while Billy Joel plays in the background.
My only thought is whether I should make coffee or tea 
While I read Frankenstein for one of my English classes.

I am no longer in a toxic relationship, questioning their love for me.
I no longer seek out men or women for validation.
I have a good relationship with my mother.
I haven’t cried due to sadness in a while.

I have friends who truly care and love me.
My obsessive behavior is getting under control. 
I am learning how to control my emotions in stressful situations.
I am no longer an imposter in my own body.

However, I don’t know if this is happiness.
Are the moments where I am not questioning my life choices or myself
The moments where I am happy?

Am I 
Finally happy?
Is this what happiness truly is within human beings?

My Darkness Cannot Be Tamed

My darkness cannot be tamed.
It slips out of me when I speak,
Cutting people and making the conversation unpleasant.

It takes form in my writing,
My written words always seem to have hints of terror
And taboo.

My darkness follows into my wardrobe and style.
Black and flattering is my go-to.
I don’t own too many bright items.

It drives my relationships.
My partners are usually dark and wounded.
They are almost as sick as I am.

It takes over during sex.
It makes sadism and cruel
And it can make me submissive and craving abuse.

It defines my way of life.
Darkness is everywhere, we, as humans, just prefer to not see it.
But I embrace it.

It is my home,
My comfort,
And it is all that I know. 

Letter To My Momma

Dear momma,

I don’t know if I should love you or hate you.

But I love you regardless.

You are the woman who protected me from everything, causing me to be naive as I entered adulthood.

You were the woman who drilled perfection into me.

I still remember your voice telling me “it has to be perfect.”

Now, I break down whenever something is a little off or isn’t “perfect.”

You are the woman who I go to when I’m in need. 

I call you everyday and when things are wrong.

You were the woman who told me you should’ve aborted me.

I still remember that and I wish you did. 

You were my enemy before you were my mother.

Momma, 

I wish you could’ve been better. 

I was a sensitive child and now I’m an asshole who is cruel to everyone just so I don’t get hurt again. 

I don’t even know how to open up to you about my personal life because I’m used to keeping it from you.

I still crave to be under you, in your warmth, just like when I was a baby, a child, a teenager and even now.

I want to hate you, but I can’t.

My inner child wants revenge for everything you did to me and how I am now. 

But I can’t help, but to love you.

I love you momma and I can’t imagine my life without you. 

You are my security net, but I’m scared of getting hurt again. 

I don’t want to be hurt again, momma.

I love you, momma, I love you more than I love myself.

I don’t know how can I forgive you for everything you put me through as a child

Just please don’t hurt me anymore.

-Love, Mini

My Baby

You don’t really want to be my baby.

It’s more than having a pretty face by your side.

I will only steal your joy and drive you crazy.

You only want to touch my developed, arousing body and steal my prize.

I am a monster.

I am the thing you hide from in your bed at night.

This pretty face,

This sexy body,

Is just a distraction from what is really lurking underneath.

I will tear you apart, limb by limb,

Piece by piece,

Until you are nothing, but a shell of what was once a human being. 

And you,

You will just let it happen.

Because who would deny this pretty, innocent being?

With that being said, 

Do you still want to be my baby?

Please Try

I am an unloveable, disturbed human being.

I am delusional and detach from reality on the regular.

I am a perfectionist who will only accept the best.

I am a monster who dreams about horror and destruction

However, I want someone to try.

I want someone to call me theirs.

I want someone whose love is on par with God’s.

I want someone who will pick up the pieces and put me back together.

I want someone to love me for my insanity and instability.

You don’t understand

You don’t understand.

You don’t understand the need to marry a powerful, demonic being.

The need to be completely vulnerable.

The need to be an evil partner.

The need to only be sweet to my partner and child.

The need to be babied and cared for.

The need to only enjoy the luxuries of life.

The need to destroy anything that comes in the way of your love.

The need to hide behind a pretty face.

Like me

And on the 12th day, the universe created girls like me

Girls who manipulate, lie and use to get their way

Girls who love to be babied by the men they take advantage of

Girls who daydream about harm, to themselves and others

Girls who will always choose violence and mischief

Girls who enjoy hurting people and watching them break into piece

Girls who hide their true selves behind an attractive face

Girls who only fear being ripped open and their unsightliness being displayed

We are not in competition

You and I.

Me and you.

We aren’t the same.

I am your competition, but you are not mine.

My tongue is sharp and I can cut you into pieces with a simple three word sentence.

My eyes can kill you with one single glance.

My hands are lethal and I could kill you with my thumb.

Any ill intentions towards me? Keep it to yourself.

You can’t go against me as I am what you can never be.

I am a leader,

I am clever,

I am intelligent,

I am stable,

I am charming, 

and I am gorgeous.

I am all,

You are nothing.

You are not me and I am and will never be you.