I am

I am witty and sly

I wonder why you’re so selfish

I hear your secrets

I see your lies

I want your money, power and all your glory

I am the madness that lurks within you

I pretend to be oblivious

I feel untouchable

I touch your cold heart

I worry about being caught

I cry at your funeral

I am malevolent and hostile

I understand what it means to have power

I say “who’s next”

I dream about the terror I could raise

I try not to laugh

I hope to ruin your life

I am what you hide from in your beds every single night

M.B.

To me, she was Terpsichore, the goddess of dance and chorus.

Her body followed her mind.

Watching her dance and sway,

She did it without effort or control, like it came naturally to her.

To me, she liked order.

She didn’t like her students being a couple minutes late.

She liked everything done on time and her lines to be straight.

She liked everything to be perfect.

To me, she was kind.

Her smile made me smile.

Hearing her laughter made me happy.

She was a little funny and loved what she did.

She can be over the top, but she was never terrible.

I can still hear her voice echoing throughout my mind.

To me, she was a mother.

She adored her 4 year old son and he adored her.

I remember she continuously told me to put a hat on my nephew during the winter time.

I wish I could’ve thanked her.

She visits her family in Arizona during winter break.

They probably didn’t know it would be her last time visiting them.

To me, She didn’t deserve it

She was found deceased early Thursday morning.

The bullets pierced through her head and shoulder area, killing her in agony.

We may not know the whole story,

But she didn’t deserve it.

She didn’t deserve to never dance again.

She didn’t deserve to never hold her son in her arms again.

She didn’t deserve to never see her son grow up.

She didn’t deserve to never be able to teach students how to dance again.

She didn’t deserve to never be able to enjoy life again.

She died by the hands of the man she cared for, the man she had a child with.

No man or woman should have to die by the hands of their significant other.

A Child of Horror

I don’t have many memories of being a child. I think it’s because I blocked a lot of stuff out, for my own good, and due to my extremely bad memory. A fond memory I have is watching movies with my dad and creating paper airplanes. I remember we once stayed up all night and created airplanes while watching several horror movies. I don’t know why we did that, but we did and it was a good experience for me. It made me a big horror fan as an adult, but I’m, also, very desensitized to certain stuff like blood and gruesome scenes. It wasn’t his intention – he just wanted to bond with me. In this article, I put together a list of movies that I distinctly remember watching during my childhood and loving.

  1. The Bad Seed (1956)

I believe my parents used to compare me to this movie and I was kinda offended because I wasn’t out here killing people. I was just a little, spoiled brat who (still) didn’t like to be told ‘no’. I don’t remember what age I saw it at, but I know I was younger than nine and I would watch it with my father. The film makes me wonder if people are truly born evil or if they develop the quality from their surroundings and experiences.

  1. The Birds (1963)

Now, this movie? I thought it was really strange and didn’t make any sense to me. I never truly watched it with my parents, but I did see bits and pieces of it. I vividly remember seeing a scene where all these birds just start attacking the main character and I’m just sitting there, bewildered and scared, wondering if that’ll ever happen to me in real life. 

  1. Rosemary’s Baby (1968)

I watched this movie by myself  in my teens, but my parents did talk about this movie and I was intrigued  by it. I can recall hearing my mother talk about the movie, but we never watched it together. When I watched it, I was asking so many questions and was getting mad for the main character. Imagine having the weirdest pregnancy ever, giving birth and being told your baby was stillborn and then finding out your child is actually alive and well and was taken by a satanic cult that your husband is a part of. I would be so livid and everyone would get a taste of my wrath.

  1. Carrie (1976)

This movie was so sad to me, but I was so happy for the main character at the end. I found it weird during the scene where the other girls were bullying Carrie about getting her period like who would care? Even as a little kid, I knew menstrual cycles were a natural thing and happens to almost every woman. You shouldn’t get shamed for it no matter how old or how young you get it. So, as you can tell, I was rooting for Carrie from the very beginning and I could relate to her as well. I would’ve burned the whole school down as well.

These are just a few movies that stick with me past childhood, in a good and bad way. It gave me a sense of the culture that my parents grew up in and made me feel like I was a part of it as well. It’s comforting to have a passion that one of your parents have. I might even pick one of the movies from this list and do a review of them, as an adult. 

Zoe

We met under the stairs during group therapy.

She wore the deep green dress that brought out her eyes.

We talked until we couldn’t get any more words out.

Then,

She kissed me.

On the lips.

It wasn’t the kiss that bothered me,

She was an amazing kisser.

It wasn’t her fingers climbing up my thigh,

I didn’t mind it.

It was the fact that I liked it.

I liked the kiss with Zoe.

I liked the kiss with a girl.

I liked it.

I really, really did like it.

And that scared me more than anything.

Who am I?

After being on this blog, you are probably wondering what kind of fucked up individual would write these kinds of things and experience these kinds of experiences. Well, it’s me, paramour, or just Ari. Ari is a shorthand for my real name and I just prefer it for my professional work. But who am I?

I can be anything you can imagine.

I can be sweet, I can be mean.

I can be helpful, I can be useless.

I can be the greatest friend or lover you ever had, I can ruin your life.

I have the ability to transform myself into any kind of person at any moment with ease. It is a part of who I am. 

But my heart isn’t a part of that. I am a kind and loving person by nature and I am beautiful on the inside and out. But I can easily dismiss all of that and be the coldest person ever, even if it hurts me or my image.

I know how to be cruel and use people’s weaknesses against them and I won’t regret it. I can’t regret it because I don’t regret my decisions or actions because it was planned. Everything I do, every move I make is planned and prepared beforehand. 

I, also, know how to erase it all and lay in my sorrow. I know how to let my emotions surround me and bring me under, bring me towards my death. I will allow myself to waste away and destroy myself if it means I get to feel my own pain. 

I know how to be the person who will give you their last dime, last shirt and the last piece of my heart if it means you will be happy. I will be the shoulder you need in your hardest time and I will let you use my own heart for warmth. I will allow myself to take on your emotions if it means you will be at peace within. 

I can love everyone, but I can hate everyone too.

To put it simply, I am everything and nothing at the same time

And I’m becoming content with that.

Happy Birthday To Me

There’s always a lingering sadness when my birthday comes around

“Hip hip hooray! Another year where I failed to kill myself and the emptiness grows larger”

She towers behind me all the time

Even when I think she’s gone, she’s there

There with her soft hands and smooth belly

So whenever I need to,

I can fall back into her and retreat into my pure,

Worthless self

When he grabs my hair and fucks me from behind,

I don’t feel anything

When HE grabs my hair and fucks me from behind,

I don’t feel anything

When she grabs my throat and kisses me,

I don’t feel a single thing

I thought it was because it was meaningless

I thought it was because I didn’t love them

I thought it was because I wasn’t in the right head space

But no

I have no sense of pleasure anymore

I do things to get a reaction

I seek pleasure

In things that don’t do it for me anymore

It’s draining and I feel broken

And I’m only 18

“Hip hip hooray! I’m broken and used and I’m only 18”

2016

I still hate that boy

Those boys

Sentenced to always be trapped

The hopelessness

I still feel it

First attempt: age 13 ? I just turned 13

Pain pills because my ceiling fan couldn’t support my weight

Prescription pills: age 15

Only had me throwing up because I had to drink mustard water

My legs remained intact and active

More pussy for his thick fingers, not mine

I want to leave this body

Every day

Every moment

Every second

Playing dress up for daddy’s image like a fish in a bowl too small for it to thrive

This is forever?

Trapped in this tie

This cycle

This pathetic tower of self-hatred

Brief flashes of something nice

Of course, it is unhealthy

I’m exposed, punished, tainted

My body isn’t mine

Does a prisoner own their cell? Exactly

Please

Touch me, crush me

And let me sleep like a little girl on a sunday morning

It’s the only thing I’m here for