We Belong Together

The taste of blood coating the inside of my mouth woke me up from my slumber. It took me a minute to register the situation, but Jax, my ex-boyfriend, was on top of me, driving a hunting knife into my abdomen. Then, a burning sensation erupted from my womb and I felt an intense pressure, causing me to scream. He covered my mouth in response.

How the hell did he get in? I couldn’t put the pieces together until I saw that he was wearing his winter coat. It was the middle of winter and I lived on the second floor of my apartment building. Did he climb in through a window? I was still processing the entire situation when Ritchie Valen’s “We Belong Together” began playing faintly in the background, from my living room. Since I knew my time was limited, I began singing.

“You’re mine.” My voice was low, but still audible. “And we belong together.” My ex became stiff and terror builds in his eyes. For some reason, this song terrified me and he never told me why. “Yes, we belong together. For eternity.” 

“Stop it.” My ex took his hands off the knife to grab my shoulders as hard as he can. “Stop singing, shut the fuck up.”

“You’re mine. Your lips belong to me. Yes, they belong to only me.” He was still attempting to silence me by squeezing and shaking me. Due to this, he failed to notice my hand reaching for and gripping the knife I keep under my mattress. “For eternity.” He was shaking me, causing my back to rise and hit the bed several times. I could see tears forming in his eyes.

“I said shut up. Shut.the. fuck. up!” His voice was harsh and he was bearing his teeth. 

“You’re my, my baby and you’ll always be.” He took my face into his hands and brought it close to his. He began screaming and swearing at me, telling me all the things I did wrong. I took that opportunity to thrust the knife into this back. His body had gone stiff and began to shake as he struggled to hold himself up. I swiftly remove the knife and insert it back into the wound. I do this again, and again, and again until he falls onto me. The knife drove deeper into my abdomen and I began to slip into unconsciousness. I looked down at Jax, who laid on my chest with blood flowing out of his mouth. “I swear by everything I own. You’ll always, always be mine,” I sang as I ran my fingers through his hair for the last time. 

Performance

I’m sorry for my performance.

I showed my true self and revealed my veil.

I forgot to listen and believe in God and not receive guidance from my ancestors.

I was supposed to frown, instead of embracing my sexuality.

I just couldn’t fake the smile when all I wanted to do was scream.

I couldn’t control my horrid thoughts and emotions, I couldn’t deny them.

But don’t worry too much,

I am only getting better at faking it.

Calming Moments

There is always a calming period after a storm.

It shows itself in odd ways.

Like Espresso martinis on a Saturday morning with friends.

Like A warm bath after a night out.

Like Smoking on your balcony before work.

Like Cuddling with your pet after a long day.

These seem like pointless moments,

But they are something special.

Your Life will fall apart several times over the course of your life.

But you must always pick up the pieces and make the most of what you are given.

Truest form of love

My heart is the last organ to be laid out on the table.

It is the most valuable one, so I must make sure he is prepared for it.

I watched, in awe, as he chewed away at my liver.

Slurping up my inner intestines and licking my lungs,

It was pure joy to see how he consumed me.

Piece by piece.

I place my heart on a golden plate.

He reaches for it with gentle hands and gives it gentle kisses.

Then, he presses it into his own chest,

To his own heart,

And vows to love it until it stops beating.

I must admit,

this is the truest form of love known to man.

Are you there?

For years,

I have cried to the sky for some kind of peace.

For some kind of love,

For some kind of guidence,

For some kind of solitude.

But it all falls on deaf ears.

Am I being heard?

Am I being considered?

Am I being thought of?

I’ve wanted the pain to go away and heal,

but somehow,

I am still suffering and I don’t think there’s a happy end for me.

Healing

The cigarette hangs from my lips as I stand on my balcony.

I contemplate jumping,

I think about ending my misery and turning to my ancestors.

Healing hurts,

it is hard, it is painful.

I want to return to my little shell and rot away.

Life is meant to be painful,

But some of us can’t handle that pain.

My dear readers are the reason I keep on living,

The reason I keep on writing and spilling my pain.

Rebirth

The Morning Glory flowers that grow next to me

begins to fall apart and die.

The inner parts of me begin the process of decay while

I slowly began to drift away.

I am dying day by day.

I have died before,

but this time I feel I may not come back.

Soon,

Flies and maggots will eat away at my flesh

and bare my fragile bones.

The Earth will hug and pull my remains in,

leaving nothing behind

But the words written on this page.

Delicate Heart

I gently unwrapped the cool foil covering my heart.

I admired it with awe before looking up and giving it to you.

You take it

and I watch as you examine it.

You showered it kisses and sweet words at first.

It felt so big and whole,

it missed this kind of love and care.

Then,

You began to pull away and leave it unattended.

Finally,

Once I had a enough of your neglect, I tried to leave and take back what was mine.

You dropped it and I watched as the pieces of my poor heart scattered around.

I sobbed for hours as you left and I couldn’t bring myself to stop.

My support team came to my rescue and are helping me put the pieces together.

I’ve been through this before,

I will get over it.

But it still hurts,

knowing how easily you can discard me.

I Gotta Find Peace of Mind

After losing another one of my attachments,

I found myself in my car,

Smoking a joint,

Listening to Lauryn Hill.

I was never into her music much.

I knew a bit of history and a few lyrics and lines,

But she was never my type.

Tonight, after a stream of sleepless nights and tears running down my eyes,

I saw a video on one of my social media platforms.

It was talking about her, Lauryn Hill,

And how her music, the specific song,

I Gotta Find Peace of Mind,

And how healing it is.

I decided to give it a listen,

As I needed some healing during my times of endless turmoil.

I cried.

She’s speaking my truth,

Our truth.

I gotta find peace of mind.

We know it’s possible,

But they, our men, make it seem so impossible.

Is there any me without him?

Am I just a positive and negative reflection of my love?

I want to know what a lasting relationship feels like.

But I gotta find peace of mind first.

I need to be the higher me.

I want to leave my old me behind a

And find the peace I desire.

Anything is really possible

And I want to be freed of my mind.