Old Friend

Dear Old Friend,

I miss you.
I miss you with every fiber in my being.
I loved our friendship and I loved you
From the moment I met you
To now.

We are,
We were,
One in the same.
Different people who had the same soul, 
But different experiences.

I was always there for you.
I always had time and space for you.
I had real, unearthly love for you.
I cared for you as if we knew each other since we were mere infants.

I wish you could’ve apologized.
The situation wasn’t even that deep.
I needed your apology to forgive you.
Now, I must be cold to you and forget you.

I wish it wasn’t that way.
We both know it shouldn’t be this way.
You accepted me for who I am.
And I accepted you for who you were.

I love you, Old Friend.
I always think about you, Old Friend.
I dream about you, Old Friend. 
And I cry puddles for our short-lived friendship.

Take care, Old Friend.
Don’t be so naïve, Old Friend. 

Stuck In This Mind

In the most recent parts of my life, 

I began to realize that I am apart of this reality.

I could be sitting in class,

Sitting at my desk,

Hanging out with friends,

When I become hyper-aware.

I become aware that I have a mother, who will suffer to give me her last,

A father, who is a horrible, disappoint of a man.

I have a sick mind and I am a mess with no sense on how to change it.

I become aware that I am required to live this life,

To suffer, to love, to desire, to procreate,

And live into my 40s, 50s and 60s.

And it terrifies me.

Why me?
Why us?
Why are things the way it is?

How can I change it?
Why am I like
This?

And it is the most frightening realization.

Is This Happiness?

Sometimes, 
I wonder what true happiness is.
When I am in a position when I am not actively suffering,
I take myself out of reality and reflect.

As I write this,
I am sitting in one of the dorms of a popular, well-respected university in the United States.
Eating corn chips with hummus while Billy Joel plays in the background.
My only thought is whether I should make coffee or tea 
While I read Frankenstein for one of my English classes.

I am no longer in a toxic relationship, questioning their love for me.
I no longer seek out men or women for validation.
I have a good relationship with my mother.
I haven’t cried due to sadness in a while.

I have friends who truly care and love me.
My obsessive behavior is getting under control. 
I am learning how to control my emotions in stressful situations.
I am no longer an imposter in my own body.

However, I don’t know if this is happiness.
Are the moments where I am not questioning my life choices or myself
The moments where I am happy?

Am I 
Finally happy?
Is this what happiness truly is within human beings?

Letter To My Momma

Dear momma,

I don’t know if I should love you or hate you.

But I love you regardless.

You are the woman who protected me from everything, causing me to be naive as I entered adulthood.

You were the woman who drilled perfection into me.

I still remember your voice telling me “it has to be perfect.”

Now, I break down whenever something is a little off or isn’t “perfect.”

You are the woman who I go to when I’m in need. 

I call you everyday and when things are wrong.

You were the woman who told me you should’ve aborted me.

I still remember that and I wish you did. 

You were my enemy before you were my mother.

Momma, 

I wish you could’ve been better. 

I was a sensitive child and now I’m an asshole who is cruel to everyone just so I don’t get hurt again. 

I don’t even know how to open up to you about my personal life because I’m used to keeping it from you.

I still crave to be under you, in your warmth, just like when I was a baby, a child, a teenager and even now.

I want to hate you, but I can’t.

My inner child wants revenge for everything you did to me and how I am now. 

But I can’t help, but to love you.

I love you momma and I can’t imagine my life without you. 

You are my security net, but I’m scared of getting hurt again. 

I don’t want to be hurt again, momma.

I love you, momma, I love you more than I love myself.

I don’t know how can I forgive you for everything you put me through as a child

Just please don’t hurt me anymore.

-Love, Mini