Tag: Articles

Old Friend

Dear Old Friend,

I miss you.
I miss you with every fiber in my being.
I loved our friendship and I loved you
From the moment I met you
To now.

We are,
We were,
One in the same.
Different people who had the same soul, 
But different experiences.

I was always there for you.
I always had time and space for you.
I had real, unearthly love for you.
I cared for you as if we knew each other since we were mere infants.

I wish you could’ve apologized.
The situation wasn’t even that deep.
I needed your apology to forgive you.
Now, I must be cold to you and forget you.

I wish it wasn’t that way.
We both know it shouldn’t be this way.
You accepted me for who I am.
And I accepted you for who you were.

I love you, Old Friend.
I always think about you, Old Friend.
I dream about you, Old Friend. 
And I cry puddles for our short-lived friendship.

Take care, Old Friend.
Don’t be so naïve, Old Friend. 

Stuck In This Mind

In the most recent parts of my life, 

I began to realize that I am apart of this reality.

I could be sitting in class,

Sitting at my desk,

Hanging out with friends,

When I become hyper-aware.

I become aware that I have a mother, who will suffer to give me her last,

A father, who is a horrible, disappoint of a man.

I have a sick mind and I am a mess with no sense on how to change it.

I become aware that I am required to live this life,

To suffer, to love, to desire, to procreate,

And live into my 40s, 50s and 60s.

And it terrifies me.

Why me?
Why us?
Why are things the way it is?

How can I change it?
Why am I like
This?

And it is the most frightening realization.

Letter To My Momma

Dear momma,

I don’t know if I should love you or hate you.

But I love you regardless.

You are the woman who protected me from everything, causing me to be naive as I entered adulthood.

You were the woman who drilled perfection into me.

I still remember your voice telling me “it has to be perfect.”

Now, I break down whenever something is a little off or isn’t “perfect.”

You are the woman who I go to when I’m in need. 

I call you everyday and when things are wrong.

You were the woman who told me you should’ve aborted me.

I still remember that and I wish you did. 

You were my enemy before you were my mother.

Momma, 

I wish you could’ve been better. 

I was a sensitive child and now I’m an asshole who is cruel to everyone just so I don’t get hurt again. 

I don’t even know how to open up to you about my personal life because I’m used to keeping it from you.

I still crave to be under you, in your warmth, just like when I was a baby, a child, a teenager and even now.

I want to hate you, but I can’t.

My inner child wants revenge for everything you did to me and how I am now. 

But I can’t help, but to love you.

I love you momma and I can’t imagine my life without you. 

You are my security net, but I’m scared of getting hurt again. 

I don’t want to be hurt again, momma.

I love you, momma, I love you more than I love myself.

I don’t know how can I forgive you for everything you put me through as a child

Just please don’t hurt me anymore.

-Love, Mini

A Child of Horror

I don’t have many memories of being a child. I think it’s because I blocked a lot of stuff out, for my own good, and due to my extremely bad memory. A fond memory I have is watching movies with my dad and creating paper airplanes. I remember we once stayed up all night and created airplanes while watching several horror movies. I don’t know why we did that, but we did and it was a good experience for me. It made me a big horror fan as an adult, but I’m, also, very desensitized to certain stuff like blood and gruesome scenes. It wasn’t his intention – he just wanted to bond with me. In this article, I put together a list of movies that I distinctly remember watching during my childhood and loving.

  1. The Bad Seed (1956)

I believe my parents used to compare me to this movie and I was kinda offended because I wasn’t out here killing people. I was just a little, spoiled brat who (still) didn’t like to be told ‘no’. I don’t remember what age I saw it at, but I know I was younger than nine and I would watch it with my father. The film makes me wonder if people are truly born evil or if they develop the quality from their surroundings and experiences.

  1. The Birds (1963)

Now, this movie? I thought it was really strange and didn’t make any sense to me. I never truly watched it with my parents, but I did see bits and pieces of it. I vividly remember seeing a scene where all these birds just start attacking the main character and I’m just sitting there, bewildered and scared, wondering if that’ll ever happen to me in real life. 

  1. Rosemary’s Baby (1968)

I watched this movie by myself  in my teens, but my parents did talk about this movie and I was intrigued  by it. I can recall hearing my mother talk about the movie, but we never watched it together. When I watched it, I was asking so many questions and was getting mad for the main character. Imagine having the weirdest pregnancy ever, giving birth and being told your baby was stillborn and then finding out your child is actually alive and well and was taken by a satanic cult that your husband is a part of. I would be so livid and everyone would get a taste of my wrath.

  1. Carrie (1976)

This movie was so sad to me, but I was so happy for the main character at the end. I found it weird during the scene where the other girls were bullying Carrie about getting her period like who would care? Even as a little kid, I knew menstrual cycles were a natural thing and happens to almost every woman. You shouldn’t get shamed for it no matter how old or how young you get it. So, as you can tell, I was rooting for Carrie from the very beginning and I could relate to her as well. I would’ve burned the whole school down as well.

These are just a few movies that stick with me past childhood, in a good and bad way. It gave me a sense of the culture that my parents grew up in and made me feel like I was a part of it as well. It’s comforting to have a passion that one of your parents have. I might even pick one of the movies from this list and do a review of them, as an adult. 

Who am I?

After being on this blog, you are probably wondering what kind of fucked up individual would write these kinds of things and experience these kinds of experiences. Well, it’s me, paramour, or just Ari. Ari is a shorthand for my real name and I just prefer it for my professional work. But who am I?

I can be anything you can imagine.

I can be sweet, I can be mean.

I can be helpful, I can be useless.

I can be the greatest friend or lover you ever had, I can ruin your life.

I have the ability to transform myself into any kind of person at any moment with ease. It is a part of who I am. 

But my heart isn’t a part of that. I am a kind and loving person by nature and I am beautiful on the inside and out. But I can easily dismiss all of that and be the coldest person ever, even if it hurts me or my image.

I know how to be cruel and use people’s weaknesses against them and I won’t regret it. I can’t regret it because I don’t regret my decisions or actions because it was planned. Everything I do, every move I make is planned and prepared beforehand. 

I, also, know how to erase it all and lay in my sorrow. I know how to let my emotions surround me and bring me under, bring me towards my death. I will allow myself to waste away and destroy myself if it means I get to feel my own pain. 

I know how to be the person who will give you their last dime, last shirt and the last piece of my heart if it means you will be happy. I will be the shoulder you need in your hardest time and I will let you use my own heart for warmth. I will allow myself to take on your emotions if it means you will be at peace within. 

I can love everyone, but I can hate everyone too.

To put it simply, I am everything and nothing at the same time

And I’m becoming content with that.