Simplicities of Life

Don’t tell me you love me.
Tell me life is insufferable and you want to die
With me by your side.

Don’t tell me I’m attractive.
Tell me you would give me your heart
On a golden platter.

Don’t tell me you miss me.
Tell me you would rather burn alive
Than to be without me for another moment.

Don’t tell me you want a relationship with me.
Tell me you want our bodies, our souls
To be bound together for eternity.

Don’t tell me my body is sexy.
Tell me my spine only exists so it can
Bend and Break for you.

Death’s Impact

Death is a natural occurrence.
It is one of the most painful parts of life.

However, it has no impact on me.

Death is a sad thing to me,
But it doesn’t bring me down.
It doesn’t bring me to my knees,
In pain, crying and wishing it was me.

It’s more of a ‘wow, I didn’t expect that’,
But It can’t bring me to tears.

My friend’s dad.
He was like a father to me,
A big part of my childhood
He had passed due to natural causes.
I only cried because I thought I needed to cry.
I was hurt, but it seemed like I should cry,
But I didn’t want to cry.

A high school classmate,
A girl I would see around school,
Passed by gun violence.
She was as innocent as Eve before the Apple.
I couldn’t cry, 
Not a single tear.
I donated to her GoFund me

My great-grandma.
I was close to her as a great-grandchild could be
I was in class when I got the news 
From my cousin’s Facebook page.
I felt like I should leave because of it.
It felt like something a grieving person would do.
I still don’t know how she passed.

A guy I went to high school with,
A grade below me,
Killed by a truck while crossing the highway.
I didn’t know much about him,
But I knew his face
And my brother knew his face.
I felt sad for him,
But I couldn’t cry.

Death has no impact on me.
It could be because I’m not as close to them,
Never really knew them, 
There was no real bond.

It feels wrong,
I feel wrong 
For having little to no reaction.
It feels as though
I am immune to human death and pain.

Not Fair

It’s not fair.

Why must I burn while you get to thrive in paradise?

Why must I carry and heal the wounds of your abuse while you get to be happy?

I have cried,

I have screamed,

I have begged,

I have prayed,

I have died,

But you get to have the fairytale ending?

You get to move on like it never happened?

I have to cope and adjust with what happened,

And boil over with hatred 

Every
Single
Day.

But you get to act like I never existed in your worthless life? 

It’s just not fucking 
Fair.

Too Soon

We could’ve worked out.
I thought we were perfect for each other.
But you knew too much,
Too soon.
You found out my secret,
My darkest secret.
And now you have to pay the price.

When I first saw you,
I knew you would be the only one for me. 
Getting you wasn’t easy.
It was more of a possession.

I stalked you.
I visited you in your dreams.
I inserted myself into your daily life.
I became your sickness,
And you loved every bit of it.

I bound our souls together,
As one,
And we were doomed from there.

It wasn’t a mistake at all.
It just didn’t go as planned.
You became too involved with me,
And found out about my past lovers
And their fates.

I held you tight in your final hours.
You simply weren’t supposed to find out.

As I plunged the knife into your chest,
Through your heart,
I released you.

I didn’t want to do this to you
Because you were the one.
But you couldn’t be subjected to who I truly am.

Satisfaction

There an undeniable sense of satisfaction
When your entire being in declining. 

My hair,
My proud kinky curls,
Are dying into my own hands.

My skin,
Brown tanned skin,
Is dying up and covered with acne scars.

My body,
Healthy and thick,
Is getting smaller and weaker.

My mind,
As deranged as it is,
Is swimming in terrorized thoughts

My will,
My will to live and partake in this life,
Is missing and I don’t care enough to find it.

I see the issue,
I feel myself sinking,
But I don’t care enough 
To pull myself back to the surface.

Don’t bother saving me.
I want to see how bad I can get.

Keeping Up

I’ve been slacking, haven’t it?
I’ve been too nice,
Too wrapped up in my own mess,
And I forgot how this is supposed to be.

Say less.

I strapped the rusty chain around your neck,
Pulling you back into reality,
And remarking your neck with wounds.

I wrap your ankles with the different chains,
And hand the ends to my assistant.

I grip the chain that are attached to your neck,
And my assistant grips the chains to your ankles.

And, 
We pull.

We pull, 
And pull.

With all the strength in the world,
And the littlest sympathy,
We pull.

Your screams don’t mean anything to us, 
As your legs began to detach from your torso.

With the power you have within you, 
You raise your eyes to meet mine.

I can see you begging for me to stop,
Begging for you pitiful life.

And all I can do,
To help you along your journey,
Is to smile as I pull your head off of your shoulders. 

Old Friend

Dear Old Friend,

I miss you.
I miss you with every fiber in my being.
I loved our friendship and I loved you
From the moment I met you
To now.

We are,
We were,
One in the same.
Different people who had the same soul, 
But different experiences.

I was always there for you.
I always had time and space for you.
I had real, unearthly love for you.
I cared for you as if we knew each other since we were mere infants.

I wish you could’ve apologized.
The situation wasn’t even that deep.
I needed your apology to forgive you.
Now, I must be cold to you and forget you.

I wish it wasn’t that way.
We both know it shouldn’t be this way.
You accepted me for who I am.
And I accepted you for who you were.

I love you, Old Friend.
I always think about you, Old Friend.
I dream about you, Old Friend. 
And I cry puddles for our short-lived friendship.

Take care, Old Friend.
Don’t be so naïve, Old Friend. 

Valentine’s Day

As I hold your beating heart in my bare hands,

I admire what you have sacrificed for our relationship.

You, with a hole in your chest,

And me, with blood on my hands.

You gave your life,

Just so I can have your heart.

The love you have for me is endless.

I glance over at the watch on your wrist.

12:01 A.M. February 14th, 2022

And you did it just in time for Valentine’s Day.

I cannot thank you enough.

This is the perfect gift. 

My Darkness Cannot Be Tamed

My darkness cannot be tamed.
It slips out of me when I speak,
Cutting people and making the conversation unpleasant.

It takes form in my writing,
My written words always seem to have hints of terror
And taboo.

My darkness follows into my wardrobe and style.
Black and flattering is my go-to.
I don’t own too many bright items.

It drives my relationships.
My partners are usually dark and wounded.
They are almost as sick as I am.

It takes over during sex.
It makes sadism and cruel
And it can make me submissive and craving abuse.

It defines my way of life.
Darkness is everywhere, we, as humans, just prefer to not see it.
But I embrace it.

It is my home,
My comfort,
And it is all that I know. 

Mirror, Mirror

Sometimes, I stare at myself in the mirror.

Not to fix my makeup,

Not to pop a pimple,

And not to guess my eye color.

I stare at myself to attest if I am real.

To confirm that this is really reality.

To prove that I am apart of this world.

To verify that I am actually human.

A human living in a purely, naturally, twisted world.

How could it be possible

That a human, as pure and twisted as I am,

Can live amongst morals?

I feel unreal,

I feel misplaced,

But no one gets it.

The mirror is the only way I can see my true self.

Live in my true being for those short moments

Before being ripped back into reality.