I didn’t kill that girl,
That girl from years ago.
She is still alive,
But watches from afar.
I feel her presence when
I am in love.
She’s next to me when
I am walking alone,
In our own private world.
She’s smiling when
I wear feminine dresses and skirts.
She’s holds me when
I cry the same way I did
All those years ago.
She prays with me at night
To the moon.
And she’s not mad at me.
Is supposed to feel good.
It’s supposed to be freeing,
And invite further happiness into your life.
Instead it hurts.
Choosing happiness means
Letting go of something that
Made you happy.
It’s letting go of something
Something that is close to
But it hurts instead.
It brings a dry, empty feeling
Because letting go
Letting go is something that nobody wants to do.
But it must happen
Because everything doesn’t last forever
And so does happiness.
It’s not forever,
So you must enjoy it while it lasts.
I wonder what true happiness is.
When I am in a position when I am not actively suffering,
I take myself out of reality and reflect.
As I write this,
I am sitting in one of the dorms of a popular, well-respected university in the United States.
Eating corn chips with hummus while Billy Joel plays in the background.
My only thought is whether I should make coffee or tea
While I read Frankenstein for one of my English classes.
I am no longer in a toxic relationship, questioning their love for me.
I no longer seek out men or women for validation.
I have a good relationship with my mother.
I haven’t cried due to sadness in a while.
I have friends who truly care and love me.
My obsessive behavior is getting under control.
I am learning how to control my emotions in stressful situations.
I am no longer an imposter in my own body.
However, I don’t know if this is happiness.
Are the moments where I am not questioning my life choices or myself
The moments where I am happy?
Is this what happiness truly is within human beings?