Tag: me

My Darkness Cannot Be Tamed

My darkness cannot be tamed.
It slips out of me when I speak,
Cutting people and making the conversation unpleasant.

It takes form in my writing,
My written words always seem to have hints of terror
And taboo.

My darkness follows into my wardrobe and style.
Black and flattering is my go-to.
I don’t own too many bright items.

It drives my relationships.
My partners are usually dark and wounded.
They are almost as sick as I am.

It takes over during sex.
It makes sadism and cruel
And it can make me submissive and craving abuse.

It defines my way of life.
Darkness is everywhere, we, as humans, just prefer to not see it.
But I embrace it.

It is my home,
My comfort,
And it is all that I know. 

Me or You

I believe my love for her came naturally

I happened without force or disruption

She was good to me

She offered me everything a person could offer another

But I had to do it

It was either me or her

And I chose her 

I held her down, my knees on her spine as she scurried below me  

My hands around her throat while she begged and cried for me to stop

She cried 

And I cried

But it was either me or her 

And I chose her

She tried to fight back with the little strength she had

But I just put more weight on her spine and a tighter grip from her neck

She stopped moving 

And I lightened up my grip, but didn’t let go

It was either me or her

And she chose herself

She done, She’s dead 

And now I’m safe

I could finally feel comfortable in my own home again

I loved her, I promise you I did

But I love my normal life 

More than the torture she caused me

Who am I?

After being on this blog, you are probably wondering what kind of fucked up individual would write these kinds of things and experience these kinds of experiences. Well, it’s me, paramour, or just Ari. Ari is a shorthand for my real name and I just prefer it for my professional work. But who am I?

I can be anything you can imagine.

I can be sweet, I can be mean.

I can be helpful, I can be useless.

I can be the greatest friend or lover you ever had, I can ruin your life.

I have the ability to transform myself into any kind of person at any moment with ease. It is a part of who I am. 

But my heart isn’t a part of that. I am a kind and loving person by nature and I am beautiful on the inside and out. But I can easily dismiss all of that and be the coldest person ever, even if it hurts me or my image.

I know how to be cruel and use people’s weaknesses against them and I won’t regret it. I can’t regret it because I don’t regret my decisions or actions because it was planned. Everything I do, every move I make is planned and prepared beforehand. 

I, also, know how to erase it all and lay in my sorrow. I know how to let my emotions surround me and bring me under, bring me towards my death. I will allow myself to waste away and destroy myself if it means I get to feel my own pain. 

I know how to be the person who will give you their last dime, last shirt and the last piece of my heart if it means you will be happy. I will be the shoulder you need in your hardest time and I will let you use my own heart for warmth. I will allow myself to take on your emotions if it means you will be at peace within. 

I can love everyone, but I can hate everyone too.

To put it simply, I am everything and nothing at the same time

And I’m becoming content with that.