Death has arrived

It was around noon

I never knew it

Then I heard his familar tone

I thought he would quit

I didn’t try to run away

He had me in his trap

I guess it was my day

He is my death cap

The knife is on my neck

He was my beloved

Tearing into my turleneck

This is the pain I’ve always loved

Death never scared me

It is all I ever wanted

B.D or B.P.D

I feel high, jumpy and touchy. My mind races with millions of thoughts, some gentle, many violent. The consequences of my actions don’t bother me, I did what I did and I’ll do it again.

No care, no care in the world. No care, no care.

I take every opportunity to dance with anyone. I sit on fences and don’t commit. I try different things, different risks just to see the outcome. I’m a broken instrument, unable to be fixed.

No care, no care in the world. No care, no care.

I’m done, tired and slowed down. I feel no pleasure and the things I like seem dull. The number on the scale begins to drop, but I still look heavy. The only place I would like to be is in my bed, laying on my tear-stained pillow. Suddenly, self-slaughter doesn’t seem so bad.

I don’t care, I don’t care anymore. I don’t care, I don’t care.

I’m a regret. My demons talking to me again. I can’t sit in a single class without thinking about ways I could end it right there and then. The thoughts and headaches increase, I can’t be alone.

I don’t care, I don’t care anymore. I don’t care, I don’t care.

I’m hostile, violent and resentful. If you even look at me the wrong way, I will snap. I daydream about taking a hammer and bashing someone’s head in with it. It’s obvious I don’t want to be bothered.

Why, Why should I care? Why, why should I?

I’m unstable, I think about the terror I could raise, how I could ruin everything in a matter of seconds. My blood is boiling, my mind is about to explode. I could kill someone right now. Why? Because I do as I please.

Why, why should I care? Why, why should I?

Blood and Water – Part one

“I’m sorry, I just couldn’t let you do this to us .”

The duchess is dead and her entire party is sprawled across the ballroom floor, bodies cut in half, drained of blood. But how did we exactly get to this point?

You see, I just wanted to be friends, good friends at that. The Duchess and I met at Blooms Pond, a small stream surrounded by heavy vegetation and garden animals. I, fifteen and grieving the loss of my father, would visit the stream as a way to release my own woes into nature. One day, the Duchess stumbled across me attempting to take my own pain away and stopped me. She, being a royal and all, was such a gorgeous sight. She was the symbol of elegance and excellence, she walked in her own power and I felt like less of a human being when I was in her presence. 

“Duchess Freya, I’m sorry you must see me this way,” I pull myself from her grasp and attempt to treat my self-inflicted wounds. She fixes her ruffled hair and hands me a napkin. 

“What’s your name?” 

“Paris.”

From that moment onto her death, she took me under her wing as her own. Maybe, deep down, I always had an idea of my plan to murder the Duchess and the entire court. She was able to get me access to the palace and I would spend all of my time with her.

During one of her baths, I was sitting on a stool near her as her maid washed her hair. Out of nowhere, She feels a sharp stab in her tooth, makes a high-pitch yelp as she grabs her chin. The maid and I rushed to her aid. The maid was new and was bewildered on what to do, so she decided to go find someone more reliable. I advise the Duchess to move her hand and I glide my hand softly and slowly against her chin, occasionally pressing the area until she notifies me that I found the tooth.

“Does this hurt?” I ask as I begin to stroll my finger across her back teeth. She doesn’t tell me, so I look up. Her mouth is wide open, with my thumb at the back of it. She is still and making direct eye contact with me. Saliva starts to pool in her mouth, so she slowly closes her mouth, with my thumb still in place, and swallows. The tension is building and she uses both hands to pull my thumb out of her mouth, sliding it against her tongue before meeting her front teeth. She doesn’t break eye contact and puts my hand on the rim of the bathtub. Eye contact is finally broken and the tension leaves as her maid and a senior maid enters the bathroom. 

“My lady,” the senior maid starts as she palms the Duchess’ face and pulls it towards her. “Are you hurting? What is this I hear about a pain in your tooth?” 

“I am fine, Jewela. Paris helped me.” The senior maid looks at me and looks away to brush me off. 

“Let’s get you out of this tub. Paris, I think it is time for you to leave.”

After that moment in the tub, the tension continued to build and we would spend even more time together. The Duchess would allow me to try on her dresses and gowns, but would be persistent that she zip up and take off my dress for me. She would always trail her finger tips slowly down my spine while zipping and it would cause my heart rate to quicken and chills to drive through my body.

“You look stunning,” The Duchess comments as I admire myself in the light blue satin nightgown. I watched as her eyes trailed me, from my tan neck to my petite breast to my sleeky thighs poking out from the bottom of the nightgown. 

“What are you looking at?” Her eyes pop up from my thighs to make eye contact with me from the mirror. I smirk and turn around to face her. “You like what you see?” I tease as I walk toward her royal vanity to begin taking off my facial enhancements. I can feel her eyes on me, even as I walk away from her. I hear her make a light chuckle and she strolls to the bed next to the vanity I’m sitting at and sits at the edge of the bed. 

` “Can I ask you a question?” The Duchess begins.

“Yes, you know you can.” For some reason, facial enhancements were difficult to take off this day and I decided to use another removal that the duchess owns.

“Have you ever had sex?” I stop moving and a weird feeling starts to form in my stomach. I never had this feeling before. “I know we have to save ourselves for marriage, but isn’t there a way to prepare for it?”
“What are you trying to suggest to me?”
“Can we?” She begins to play with her fingernails and stumble on her words. “Can we practice with each other? Teach each other?” The feelings worsens. What is going on with me? I felt this feeling with her before, but now it has intensified. I feel like I am going to throw up. I don’t know what to do, so I oblige. 

Me or You

I believe my love for her came naturally

I happened without force or disruption

She was good to me

She offered me everything a person could offer another

But I had to do it

It was either me or her

And I chose her 

I held her down, my knees on her spine as she scurried below me  

My hands around her throat while she begged and cried for me to stop

She cried 

And I cried

But it was either me or her 

And I chose her

She tried to fight back with the little strength she had

But I just put more weight on her spine and a tighter grip from her neck

She stopped moving 

And I lightened up my grip, but didn’t let go

It was either me or her

And she chose herself

She done, She’s dead 

And now I’m safe

I could finally feel comfortable in my own home again

I loved her, I promise you I did

But I love my normal life 

More than the torture she caused me

The Watcher

I knew I shouldn’t watch –

That she wouldn’t want me to

I poured myself a glass of scotch

I felt brand new

The way the water slipped around her bare skin

Rooted me in place

I wiped the blood off my chin

I’m surprised that I had a straight face

The moon glowed down on us both

Alighting her in beauty, and me in sin

I observed her, I observed my growth

I couldn’t hide my wicked grin

I never knew what beauty was – until I saw her sink into the cold lake

The Green Light

Anxious. Anxious! — terribly, terribly anxious. And you think I’m insane, doctor? You think I’m deranged? Ha! I’ve seen all the things the world has to offer and I’ve heard the voices from heaven and hell. And you — you, doctor! –You think I’m crazy? Hmp! Sit back and observe how calmly — collectively — I can tell you my bittersweet tale.

Now, Listen to me, I loved that man. I loved him so much that I bore him a little infant, but there was something about him that bothered me — angered me. What was it? Ah! It was his eye. When I first arrived at the ranch in New Jersey, surrounded by Oak trees and right behind a bright blue lake, he had opened the wooden door and looked at me– my heart soon froze over.  He had the eye of a beautiful, cold-blooded reptile, the kind that is able to kill you with one glare. But besides that, there was something else about his eyes that bothered me. What was it?  It was the green light. Yes, yes, it was the green light! I saw malice and envy in his eyes and I knew it — I felt I had to lead him to his demise.

Months went by, I planned his joyful death while he planned our sorrowful wedding. You see, doctor, I never planned on marrying the man. I only agreed to the arrangement because I was with a child and I didn’t want her to be born out of wedlock. Throughout our days, I would observe his ways from afar. From watching him drink his morning cup of green tea out of his favorite dark green tea cup to sitting on a log to see him chop down the oak trees with this rusty old axe while occasionally wiping sweat from his bushy, dark brown brows. I stalked and took in his every move like a fierce lion watching their upcoming prey. When he noticed my deadly eyes on him, he would give me a heartfelt smile that made me sick to my stomach. This man was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen in all of my thirty-three years of life. 

Let me tell you doctor, my pregnancy was a strange one. Five months in, faint green lines began to form on my belly and spread like the roots of a tree.  I applied stretch mark cream religiously, but they never went away. And the vomit, oh, the vomit, was pure green! Even if I strictly stayed away from green foods, green liquid would somehow always appear. What was this man or this baby doing to me, Doctor?

Unfortunately, Our baby came before our wedding. She was my blessing from hell! Once she was placed in my arms I looked at her puffy, tan face — I looked into her brown eyes. And you know what I saw, doctor? I saw the green light — that damned green light! She has taken on his flaw, causing me pain! My first thought was to end her life right then and there, but I decided to let her live — it wasn’t her fault she inherited that flaw — it was her father’s. We named her emerald.

Now, doctor, let me tell you about our wedding day. My mind was set and the decorations were perfected. My dress was pressed and the guests were seated. Little emerald had on the cutest dark green dress — you should’ve seen her!

Once my makeup was finished and my veil was sewn into my hair,  I looked into the mirror and I saw it — I saw the green light in my very own eyes. He had given me the green light! I became vengeful and decided that at that very moment,  he must die. I fished around the drawers and cabinets of the church for a knife — I found a hunting knife and a switchblade. I hid it in my bridal garter and quietly searched for the man.

After a while, I found him. He was fixing up his black and green suit, but stopped when he noticed me in the mirror. What did he say? Oh! He called me darling and began to approach me before he noticed me pulling out the hunting knife. His facial expression hardens and he looks at the knife then to me.

He murmured something and I attacked. I made a lunge at him with the hunting knife tightly in my hand, aiming at him. He moved out of the way and grabbed me — throwing me against the wall and running away down the hall towards the kitchen. I steadied myself and chased after him. Surprisingly, doctor, I was able to catch up with him. I leaped onto his back and drove the knife into one of his broad shoulders. I did it again — and again — and again until he fell to the ground. Oh, you should’ve seen him, doctor, his suit was covered in blood and he was filled with agony — so much agony! I couldn’t help, but laugh!

Don’t get me wrong, He did put up a good fight, but it didn’t last long. He lied, sprawled out on the wooden kitchen panels, his green collar stained red and the green light shining bright — he had accepted his fate. I took the switchblade out and slowly kneel on the ground next to him, letting the polluted blood soak my pure white wedding dress. He was so, so beautiful and I adored him, but he must die — in agony. I held the switchblade in my hand and drove it into his left eye. He hollered as I jammed and twisted the knife through the soft, squishy flesh of his eye. I swiftly took the blade out when I hit a bone and put it in his right eye, going through the same motions as I did with the left eye.  He didn’t cry this time. I left the blade in his eyes and looked at him. He was dead — he was beautiful — he wasn’t a problem anymore. 

My wedding dress and  my veil was covered in cool blood — his blood. I turned and saw my emerald. Her stuffed face was blank and her eyes were on her father’s corpse. But, doctor, I noticed — the green light — the green light was gone. It was gone! His demise caused the death of the green light! I also noticed — as she continued to look at her father’s body — that she was smiling — from ear to ear — she was smiling. I smiled before picking up my daughter and walked downstairs to attend my wedding. I couldn’t be late to my own wedding.

Now, doctor, do you still think I’m insane?