So I do

I didn’t ask to be a woman.
I didn’t plan it beforehand,
And my parents didn’t plan it.
If I knew how this world treats women,
I would’ve definitely been born a boy,
Or not been born at all.

But I’m here.
I’m here 
Where people are debating about my womb,
Judging my curvy body,
Criticizing my skin color
And fetishizing my ‘erotic’ nature.

It’s a cruel joke.
I didn’t ask for any of this.
I don’t want this reality.
I feel betrayed by my eyes whenever they open
And bring me back to my hopeless reality.
I feel wronged every time by heart beats on rhythm.

But I’m here.
And I have no choice, but to make the most of it. 
I want to have fun
And make people miserable.
The natural evilness within me is fueled by my own hatred and dismay.
She is impulsive, cruel, sharp-tongued and motived.

Every time I try to be sweet and good, 
She reminds me how nobody, but her, cares about my being
And all I have been through due to me being sweet and kind.
She tells me,
“This world has and will always be cruel to you,
why don’t you return it?” 

And so,
I do
as she says.

A Way of Life

Let my wounds tell you.
I’ve been through a lot 
And I don’t know how I survived so long.
I should have been dead a while ago.
My body found lifeless,
Filled with pain pills
And unfulfilled wishes.

I have been through so much pain.
I’ve become cold and numb.
The emotions within me 
Operate against me.
My body and mind 
Move on their own,
Senseless and numb.

But, 
I’m trying.
I’m trying to find peace and love
Within this cruel world.
I’m trying to live in a naive state,
Where no further harm can be down.

But, I’m corrupt.
I follow my own laws and direction.
I find pain to be love
And love to be obsession.
I find hatred to be passion
And passion to be deadly.

I have been through it all
And I have seen it all.
I live in a different mindset,
A different painting and vision.

After so much pain,
I finally get to make the rules.

Paradise

In the future,

I hope to live comfortably.

My husband takes care of me.

I don’t have to work or make decisions

Besides what color the kitchen walls should be painted.

The only form of work I do is writing for my blog

And tending to the home.

No,

I don’t want to be the stereotypical housewife

Who takes cares of her man child of a husband 

And is restricted to the home.

I want to be the wife that my husband tends to.

He takes care of all my wants and needs and more.

He lets me be hateful and cruel, 

But only sweet to him.

Yes,

I want to live out my evil ways

In peace and without shame.

This is paradise.

My paradise.

Love Letter

What must I do for your love?

What must I do for you to be mine?

You are the embodiment of perfection and glory.

The sight of you makes my knees weak

And my power, my ego, disappear.

Your boyish appearance and naïve aura

Makes you irresistible and I want to

Corrupt you,

Damage you,

A man of twenty, but you’re so pure,

So new, to this harsh world.

I was made

For you.

I will write for you until my fingers bleed.

I will further damage this world for you.

I will give you my beating heart for your own.

I will crawl on my hands and knees if you asked.

I will only exist for your own happiness and pleasure.

I Knew It

I knew I loved him
When I started imaging our lives together.

I knew I loved him
When every thought I had was about him.

I knew I loved him
When I couldn’t sleep without him by my side.

I knew I loved him
When I started to enter his dreams.

I knew I loved him
When I started tormenting him unintentionally.

I knew I loved him
When I started including him in my morning prays.

I knew I loved him
When I began to possess him.

I knew I loved him
When I began using his blood as sweetener in my morning tea.

Intense Emotions

I hate everything.
I hate life.
I hate having to live in this world.
I hate having to talk.
I hate having to correct people.
I hate that there are crappy, shitty, bottom of the barrel ass people in this world.

I love everything.
I love expressing love.
I love being in love.
I love my life and the people that are in it.
I love everything that is given to me.
I love what is going on in my life 

I am disgusted by everything.
I’m disgusted by my hair.
I’m disgusted by my peers.
I’m disgusted by my teachers.
I’m disgusted by people.
I’m disgusted I live on a planet like this.

I’m irritated by everything.
I’m irritated by your presence.
I’m irritated with how certain things go.
I’m irritated that I write shitty poems.
I’m irritated with this existence. 
I’m irritated that you irritated me.

How Did You Get Him?

How did I get him?
How did I get him to become mine for this lifetime
and the next?
Well, it wasn’t easy.

I had to attract him.
I wore pretty, short dresses
And short skirts.
I became hairless and brainless 
To get him to notice me.

I had to match him.
I copied his actions and
His interests.
I had to smile as big as I could
And hide my true intentions.

And then,
I got him.  

I had to keep him in.
I put my menstrual blood
In his food.
I used my climax to 
Keep him thinking of me.

We had to stay together.
We lived in each other’s
Dreams.
We performed blood rituals
Under the light of the full moon.

My work will not go to waste.

Simplicities of Life

Don’t tell me you love me.
Tell me life is insufferable and you want to die
With me by your side.

Don’t tell me I’m attractive.
Tell me you would give me your heart
On a golden platter.

Don’t tell me you miss me.
Tell me you would rather burn alive
Than to be without me for another moment.

Don’t tell me you want a relationship with me.
Tell me you want our bodies, our souls
To be bound together for eternity.

Don’t tell me my body is sexy.
Tell me my spine only exists so it can
Bend and Break for you.

Home

In times of embarrassment,
In times of hopelessness,
And in times of loneliness,
All I want to do is go home.

I want to go home.
I want to be in my mother’s arms,
In her womb.
In her strong embrace,
In front of her strong face,
Telling me,
“You don’t have to be perfect.”

I want to go home.
I want to be in my father’s arms,
Like a child holding their delicate dolls.
In his strong arms,
With his protective logic,
Telling me,
“You’re ok, baby.”

I want to be home.
I want to be in my siblings’ company,
However, the age difference is a big factor.
With hard-headedness,
And their stubborn attitudes,
Telling me,
“Mini, you got this. Don’t cry.”

When I’m away,
And I feel scared and alone,
Desperate for help,
All I can say is
“I want to go home.”

Death’s Impact

Death is a natural occurrence.
It is one of the most painful parts of life.

However, it has no impact on me.

Death is a sad thing to me,
But it doesn’t bring me down.
It doesn’t bring me to my knees,
In pain, crying and wishing it was me.

It’s more of a ‘wow, I didn’t expect that’,
But It can’t bring me to tears.

My friend’s dad.
He was like a father to me,
A big part of my childhood
He had passed due to natural causes.
I only cried because I thought I needed to cry.
I was hurt, but it seemed like I should cry,
But I didn’t want to cry.

A high school classmate,
A girl I would see around school,
Passed by gun violence.
She was as innocent as Eve before the Apple.
I couldn’t cry, 
Not a single tear.
I donated to her GoFund me

My great-grandma.
I was close to her as a great-grandchild could be
I was in class when I got the news 
From my cousin’s Facebook page.
I felt like I should leave because of it.
It felt like something a grieving person would do.
I still don’t know how she passed.

A guy I went to high school with,
A grade below me,
Killed by a truck while crossing the highway.
I didn’t know much about him,
But I knew his face
And my brother knew his face.
I felt sad for him,
But I couldn’t cry.

Death has no impact on me.
It could be because I’m not as close to them,
Never really knew them, 
There was no real bond.

It feels wrong,
I feel wrong 
For having little to no reaction.
It feels as though
I am immune to human death and pain.