Human Urges

Sometimes, I get the urge to rip my entire face off. 
To feel my long, pointy nails pierce my skin.
To feel the skin gather under my nails
As they drag down my face,
Along my chin,
And down my neck.

Sometimes, I have the urge to hurt someone.
Not physically; that would be too easy.
I want to feel the energy shift and
the pause to process what I have said.
I want to see the disbelief in their eyes,
The heartbreak in their heart.
The reaction, no matter what it is, to my actions.

Sometimes, I have the urge to tear open my chest. 
To pull apart my breast and dig through the skin and flesh
Until I reach my ribs.
I want to crack each bone, pull back my lungs
And grab my sweet, beating heart.
And I want to detach it from my body and admire it.
Then, I will press my thumbs into it,
Feeling through the soft, plushy material until I reach the center. 
I want to stare into it and caress it before I faint from

The overwhelming joy and blood loss. 

Made for Me

I thought it was impossible to meet a man 

As deranged and lost in this world as I am.

One who has no will to live and only lives 

To raise hell amongst the world.

One who looks at me as if I’m god

And Satan.

One who is able to tame 

My inner wrath and hatred.

One who makes this horrible world

Worth living, even for a few more years.

From the second I met him,

I knew he was made for me,

And only me. 

Love isn’t that simple

Love is not that simple.

Love in not that simple to me.

Other people experience it as 

Something fresh, pleasant and joyful.

I experience it as 

a rebirth, dreading and overall painful.

Love,

For me,

Turns into obsession.

Turns into wanting to be apart of your physical being.

Turns into a burning pain due to how much I crave and desire.

Love,

For me,

Is sickening.

My daily functions depend on your admiration of me.

My mind, body and soul depends on your overall happiness.

Love,

For me,

Becomes my entire identity.

I am not me if I don’t have or possess you.

I am meaningless without love.

Is this healthy?
No, it isn’t.

But it’s the only way I thrive within my being. 

So I do

I didn’t ask to be a woman.
I didn’t plan it beforehand,
And my parents didn’t plan it.
If I knew how this world treats women,
I would’ve definitely been born a boy,
Or not been born at all.

But I’m here.
I’m here 
Where people are debating about my womb,
Judging my curvy body,
Criticizing my skin color
And fetishizing my ‘erotic’ nature.

It’s a cruel joke.
I didn’t ask for any of this.
I don’t want this reality.
I feel betrayed by my eyes whenever they open
And bring me back to my hopeless reality.
I feel wronged every time by heart beats on rhythm.

But I’m here.
And I have no choice, but to make the most of it. 
I want to have fun
And make people miserable.
The natural evilness within me is fueled by my own hatred and dismay.
She is impulsive, cruel, sharp-tongued and motived.

Every time I try to be sweet and good, 
She reminds me how nobody, but her, cares about my being
And all I have been through due to me being sweet and kind.
She tells me,
“This world has and will always be cruel to you,
why don’t you return it?” 

And so,
I do
as she says.

A Way of Life

Let my wounds tell you.
I’ve been through a lot 
And I don’t know how I survived so long.
I should have been dead a while ago.
My body found lifeless,
Filled with pain pills
And unfulfilled wishes.

I have been through so much pain.
I’ve become cold and numb.
The emotions within me 
Operate against me.
My body and mind 
Move on their own,
Senseless and numb.

But, 
I’m trying.
I’m trying to find peace and love
Within this cruel world.
I’m trying to live in a naive state,
Where no further harm can be down.

But, I’m corrupt.
I follow my own laws and direction.
I find pain to be love
And love to be obsession.
I find hatred to be passion
And passion to be deadly.

I have been through it all
And I have seen it all.
I live in a different mindset,
A different painting and vision.

After so much pain,
I finally get to make the rules.

Paradise

In the future,

I hope to live comfortably.

My husband takes care of me.

I don’t have to work or make decisions

Besides what color the kitchen walls should be painted.

The only form of work I do is writing for my blog

And tending to the home.

No,

I don’t want to be the stereotypical housewife

Who takes cares of her man child of a husband 

And is restricted to the home.

I want to be the wife that my husband tends to.

He takes care of all my wants and needs and more.

He lets me be hateful and cruel, 

But only sweet to him.

Yes,

I want to live out my evil ways

In peace and without shame.

This is paradise.

My paradise.

Love Letter

What must I do for your love?

What must I do for you to be mine?

You are the embodiment of perfection and glory.

The sight of you makes my knees weak

And my power, my ego, disappear.

Your boyish appearance and naïve aura

Makes you irresistible and I want to

Corrupt you,

Damage you,

A man of twenty, but you’re so pure,

So new, to this harsh world.

I was made

For you.

I will write for you until my fingers bleed.

I will further damage this world for you.

I will give you my beating heart for your own.

I will crawl on my hands and knees if you asked.

I will only exist for your own happiness and pleasure.

I Knew It

I knew I loved him
When I started imaging our lives together.

I knew I loved him
When every thought I had was about him.

I knew I loved him
When I couldn’t sleep without him by my side.

I knew I loved him
When I started to enter his dreams.

I knew I loved him
When I started tormenting him unintentionally.

I knew I loved him
When I started including him in my morning prayers.

I knew I loved him
When I began to possess him.

I knew I loved him
When I began using his blood as sweetener in my morning tea.

Intense Emotions

I hate everything.
I hate life.
I hate having to live in this world.
I hate having to talk.
I hate having to correct people.
I hate that there are crappy, shitty, bottom of the barrel ass people in this world.

I love everything.
I love expressing love.
I love being in love.
I love my life and the people that are in it.
I love everything that is given to me.
I love what is going on in my life 

I am disgusted by everything.
I’m disgusted by my hair.
I’m disgusted by my peers.
I’m disgusted by my teachers.
I’m disgusted by people.
I’m disgusted I live on a planet like this.

I’m irritated by everything.
I’m irritated by your presence.
I’m irritated with how certain things go.
I’m irritated that I write shitty poems.
I’m irritated with this existence. 
I’m irritated that you irritated me.