Happy Birthday To Me

There’s always a lingering sadness when my birthday comes around

“Hip hip hooray! Another year where I failed to kill myself and the emptiness grows larger”

She towers behind me all the time

Even when I think she’s gone, she’s there

There with her soft hands and smooth belly

So whenever I need to,

I can fall back into her and retreat into my pure,

Worthless self

When he grabs my hair and fucks me from behind,

I don’t feel anything

When HE grabs my hair and fucks me from behind,

I don’t feel anything

When she grabs my throat and kisses me,

I don’t feel a single thing

I thought it was because it was meaningless

I thought it was because I didn’t love them

I thought it was because I wasn’t in the right head space

But no

I have no sense of pleasure anymore

I do things to get a reaction

I seek pleasure

In things that don’t do it for me anymore

It’s draining and I feel broken

And I’m only 18

“Hip hip hooray! I’m broken and used and I’m only 18”

2016

I still hate that boy

Those boys

Sentenced to always be trapped

The hopelessness

I still feel it

First attempt: age 13 ? I just turned 13

Pain pills because my ceiling fan couldn’t support my weight

Prescription pills: age 15

Only had me throwing up because I had to drink mustard water

My legs remained intact and active

More pussy for his thick fingers, not mine

I want to leave this body

Every day

Every moment

Every second

Playing dress up for daddy’s image like a fish in a bowl too small for it to thrive

This is forever?

Trapped in this tie

This cycle

This pathetic tower of self-hatred

Brief flashes of something nice

Of course, it is unhealthy

I’m exposed, punished, tainted

My body isn’t mine

Does a prisoner own their cell? Exactly

Please

Touch me, crush me

And let me sleep like a little girl on a sunday morning

It’s the only thing I’m here for

Useless

Oh, my dear, I do not need you

I’ve been given everything I want

Everything I need

And you, my dear,

Think I need you?

Think I desire you?

I live a privileged, fruitful life

If I wanted something,

I could easily get it without trouble

My point is

You are pointless

You are valueless

You are only here for my enjoyment

And I’ve got what I need from you and you are useless to me now